If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
