Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
