I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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