I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
