I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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