so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
