girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
