My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
