Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
