i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
