Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
