My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
