I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Randomize
