these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
