Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
