Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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