I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
