I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Two words: blizzard sex
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
