Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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