I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
