I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
