i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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