I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I smell like Dick and happiness
why does every cop we meet know your name?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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