I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Randomize
