I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
and you fell through a lawn chair
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
