It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
