New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
