He is such a slut. More and more my type.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Randomize
