i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
