I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
She bit a glass in half.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
