Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
foreskin is a definite game changer
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
