dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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