It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
