my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
