did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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