just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
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