I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
