haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Randomize
