I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
