Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Randomize
