if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
