1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Vodka?
Forever.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
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