i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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