I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Randomize
