whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I can't turn off my feet"
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
