Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
