i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
