Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
