tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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