my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
